[TormentedSon]

I've lived with my mother my whole life. I know what I'm about to say isn't right, the feelings I have aren't appropriate, but I also didn't wish them into existence. They swept in like a perfect storm.

My parents divorced when I was 4, and I rarely see my father. My mother has gone on dates a few times over the years, but nothing serious. We have a strong bond and get along well, but there's never been anything physical. Although she is a very conservative, religious woman, she's had somewhat of a relaxed comfort-zone with me. As a school teacher, she attempts to hide beneath her loose, over-sized clothing, but she has so much shape and curves, I'm convinced that some of her male students must be curious about her body in the same way I was curious and infatuated with some of my female teachers growing up. How could they not? At times, I imagine myself sitting in their desks, wondering what it would be like to secretly admire her at their age. I secretly admire her at my age.

Progressively, over the last couple of years, the comfort zone we've had (changing clothes while the other is in the room, using the same shower, etc) has become more and more difficult for me. At times I'll joke about being the man of the house or pretend I'm taking a pic of her while she's in her nightgown or underwear. She just giggles and let's it slide off her shoulders, but can she see through me? Does she really know there is a battle raging inside me?

How can I have feelings like this for my own mother? Recently, I got up the nerve to snap a pic of her in the shower. I don't believe she's ever noticed my gazes and I've never noticed her watching me. But this picture, the one I've attached with this post, it's an image that is frozen in my brain. I find myself looking at it on my phone throughout the day. To be honest, I've spent a number of moments in self pleasure looking at this image. Although I know a physical relationship with her is an impossibility, I can't stop thinking about her, imagining her, dwelling upon her. I am haunted by her.